


Why Don’t I Love You?

by Bunshin



Category: Eddsworld - All Media Types
Genre: Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-07-27 15:24:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16221890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bunshin/pseuds/Bunshin





	Why Don’t I Love You?

Don’t give up on me.

I still see you in the morning. I paid you three dollars to draw my favorite character. You said you would’ve done it for ¢25. I laughed. You didn’t.

I see you once a week for an hour. On Thursday. 

It’s not enough.

You told me Tord asked you out. I felt my heart shatter just a little bit as you told me how lonely you were, how you craved human contact. You went on and said that you didn’t have feelings for Tord but you needed a relationship.

I said, “Edd, you can’t break Tord’s heart like that. You have to reject him.”

You didn’t.

It’s weird. I’m so jealous. I want to be your best friend. Tord is tearing us apart.

I don’t love you.

Why don’t I love you?

Now, it’s always you three. You, Matt, and Tord. Tord doesn’t like me. It’s like he’s jealous, but I know he’s not. Who would be jealous of our failing friendship?

I got a new group of friends, ones I see everyday for awhile. No matter the subject, however, my mind strays to you. Always to you.

I’m not attracted to you.

Why am I not attracted to you?

As I stand in this new friend group, they exclude me. My mind is not on the trivial subject they are speaking of. I don’t know what it’s on. I blank out and I lose everything; my expression, my feelings, my will to live.

Everyday, when I’m not with you, I want the day to end quickly. 

They mock me when I look for you. They laugh and say, “You guys should be a couple!”

I laugh uncomfortably. I don’t want to be your boyfriend. I want to be worthy of your time. 

Everything hurts. Everything aches. I ache so bad. I ache for your laughter, I ache for your praise, I ache for your smile.

Why don’t I love you? It’d be so much easier to explain this jumble of emotions I have. 

I remember looking at the mirror, gently touching my cheeks and wondering why I’m not crying. Surely I shouldn’t feel this empty?

I went to the dance. Freshman year, homecoming. I went with the friend group. I saw you there and you looked amazing and the question flashed in my mind—

_Why don’t I love you?_

We only talked for two minutes, then you left and I distracted myself with fake, happy conversation. I just wanted to be with you. God, why don’t I love you?

We got in the dance and I managed to catch you; you were with Tord. You didn’t feel anything— why were you with him? _Why were you with him!?_

You left with him but I wanted to talk to you. You left the moment I looked away and I began to wonder if you hated me.

Well, wonder is the wrong word.

I know you hate me.

I hate myself, too.

So I stood, twiddling my thumbs as I scanned the room for you.

I heard a snicker and somebody said, “Are you looking for Edd, Tom?”

My face heats up and I mutter, “Shut up!”

He laughs. “Oh my god, you were!”

I covered my embarrassment and anger with laughter as I began to twiddle the small dog tag between my fingers.

You have a matching one; I haven’t taken it off since I’ve gotten it. 

You never wear it. You probably threw it away the moment you got it.

You know, I think I want to die. 

I don’t want to have a repeat of last year. I still have my suicide note. I haven’t burned it yet. I’m thinking about rewriting it. 

I don’t want to be a teenager. Everybody throws their problems under the bus. Three kids committed suicide in one year. They did nothing.

I don’t want to be alive.

So, I sit here and twiddle my thumbs. I sit here and I stare and I wait for you, even though I know you aren’t coming. Of course you’re not coming.

Why don’t I love you?

Tord pushes past me. He looks at me like I’m dirt. The group of friends do nothing to comfort me. Why did I expect anything different? You introduced me to them and the next year, you left.

You were one of the two people who made me feel truly alive, and you’re leaving.

Of course you’re leaving.

I force everyone away from me. I forced the only boy who loved me away from me. The only boy _I_ loved.

Now I feel nothing. I don’t love anybody. Not even the fucks that I have to call my parents.

Such a teenager thing to say. I’m a cliche that doesn’t deserve the attention that I so crave. To want to be the center of the spotlight is to be an attention whore.

An attention whore is what I am. 

Yet I sit and stay. I sit and I wait for the attention I crave to be given by you. 

But, I know you never will.

So...

Why do I wait?

Why do I wait when I know you don’t love me and I don’t love you?

The dance ends. I scan the room for you. You’re nowhere in sight. I feel like crying. It was such a nice night but I spent half of it wondering about you. Wondering if you cared.

I leave with a smile and a laugh, all fake. There is almost nothing left. All there is, is a small shred of hope that’s slowly losing its light.

I twiddle the dog tag between my fingers, walking down the sidewalk and toward my sibling’s car. 

Why can’t I stop thinking about you?

Why don’t I love you?

I crave you. I crave you but I don’t love you.

Everyone mocks me for it. Everyone’s a little jealous I’d chose you over everyone else. But, you’ve made it obvious that you wouldn’t choose me over anybody. You’d rather have the one you don’t love. 

Why don’t I love you?

Just give up on me.


End file.
